This was something I had in mind to write down a year ago, but now that I think of it, that wouldn’t have mattered as I believe that it was this year that has taught me more lessons in life than any other up to this point. It’s really funny how fast life can change and how close things really are.
The current position that I am in is fully because of me turning a blind eye to multiple situations, and not having the courage to stand up for myself. And to be transparent, I have never learnt how to give myself respect. For years, I’ve always tried to gain that respect by doing a favour for others, without ever thinking about positioning myself at the same level. Self-respect is something that I’ve lacked which has lead to some poor decisions.
It is necessary and true that all of the things we say in science, all of the conclusions, are uncertain, because they are only conclusions. They are guesses as to what is going to happen, and you cannot know what will happen, because you have not made the most complete experiments.
Richard Feynman
Looking at the position I was in about 8-10 months back, I probably would have never expected it to spiral out in the manner it has. If I were to draw out a comparison of the person that I was a year ago, my self esteem, my views on relationships and friendships, my ideal lifestyle, all that seems so different. I always had these idealistic scenarios running in my head for situations to calm myself down and feed into what would be candy to my brain at the cost of hurting others.
I really don’t think I would have been the same person that I’ve tried to grow into today if I sat idle during my summer break. It’s concerning how fast my thoughts back then could take me away to a place that forces me to be someone that isn’t myself. It’s really the people with whom you decide to surround yourself with that mould you into another person, and the people I met over this entire year has taught me one thing - I’ve driven my life to shit with my previous decisions.
With these decisions, I’ve hurt a couple of people close to me. I tried standing neutral to arguments thinking that I can be on the “good side” of others and life will get back to what I presumed was stable. It’s never worth it, I made that mistake twice in the same year and I’m still grateful for having a second chance at realising and admitting to my mistakes. I consciously went ahead with things knowing the possible consequences to it, and went ahead to ensure that I don’t ruin something that I thought I had. While I’ve come to realise them, as a consequence, I’ve lost out on precious time with others.
Listen to others, you are probably missing out on a greater perspective of a problem than you might think. If you surround yourself with the right people, they will always be your anchor to reality. If you choose to ignore those people for others in the name of keeping everything in your life in symmetry, you not only hurt them, you hurt yourself. At one point of the year, all those values that I collected were tossed in a bin to tell myself, “At least someone else is happy”... It’s disrespectful to yourself and the person who gave their time and effort to a problem that isn’t theirs.
Time is never on your side. If you trick yourself into thinking it is to keep yourself calm, then you’ve just ruined the chance for something fruitful to happen. It’s weird that I’ve never really realised how limited time is, and everything just seems to fly by. Turning 21 has made me realise...damn I don’t have much time left before I have to settle down in life. It was only 5 years ago that my mother told me as I entered the 11th grade - the next years till you complete your school and college will happen in an instant, and I’ve come to realise now, which feels too late. Holding onto those mistakes without correcting them, shutting yourself down that you will rectify them soon when then noise around you has settled down, you won’t even come to realise the time that you have lost. Seriously, just be straight and apologise. It’s the easiest thing to do, and the best way to get rid of all that stress and guilt that has been collecting up.
There are only a couple of people who I can really talk to, being myself, who value honesty and share the same values. These are the people who are your actual friends. Yes, sounds pretty obvious, but when you make the mistake of wearing a mask to please others, you drift apart from these people and hurt them. Learn to burn bridges, sometimes they set you free from a you being a prisoner to your idealistic view of the world. Talk to these people, open up to them, and give them your time as well. Life moves fast, you don’t really know how much more time you have to before you move to a different phase of your life where people have to go in different directions. When you keep yourself surrounded by these type of people, you grow with them and in the right direction. You begin to realise the mistakes that you have made previously and you begin to correct them. It’s never too late to realise them, but sooner the better. Don’t wait for your life to cross paths with others later on to correct your mistake.
Life has been draining. This year has had a lot of personal issues spew up that threw me off guard, consequences of the mistakes I’ve made, assignments and submissions part of my undergrad has almost pushed me off the edge of my sanity. It made me hit the lowest part of my life to come to realise what I’ve done wrong. It’s still embarrassing that my proudest achievements are all back from my first year of my college. The amount of work from college and my lack of interest with the quality of education, made me use it as an excuse for not working and let myself rot into being unproductive. I let this take the better of me and haven’t had anything proud to showcase that I accomplished in my career.
Moving into 2026, I need a reset back to when I joined college. With what is essentially my final semester of college, I need to treat it like my first year. I don’t have a job, nothing to back me up with. Make use of that time to learn as much as I can, not aimlessly, but with the same intensions and curiosity that I had back when it all started. It feels cliche to say that, but It’s just a reminder to myself that, I managed to accomplish more with that mindset and I cannot rely on my work from 2 years ago to define my career. While I do have great learnings and outcomes from my internship and several instances during the year, I have not been loyal to myself in learning more and understanding to the depth that I used to try to back then.
I’m glad that I’ve come to realise errors in the way I’ve valued my life. Cutting the unnecessary dead-weights out before entering a new year is giving me a cleaner slate to work with. Knowing that I’m surrounded by the right crowd is already a positive step into the unknown next year. Just being more transparent about my mistakes and being more respectful to myself by itself has let my life incrementally move closer back to a better place. I’m no way close to where I should be, but all these experiences has taught me things the hard way.
I've never actually reflected back on a year, probably doing it now because i've come to realise a lot of mistakes i've made on my end, and a lot of things that have just bottled up across the year.